Answering the unanswerable

Good afternoon children of the world! Miss Kimba has finally surfaced after nearly drowning in a nasty mix of red wine and single malt whisky. Eeyo sono male, as the Italians say. (`I feel like shit` would be a close translation)

We have two questions relating to that most odd, mixed-up, and precious of human frailties -- the experience of LOVE.

Usually, Miss Kimba likes to answer each question individually, but these two queries resonated so nicely together, that I wanted to lay them side by side.

First, from a delicate Queensland rose, we get this tricky little number:


'Why is it that when a couple breaks up, even though they don't love each other enough to want to be together, they just cannot let go and move on?'


My oh my, that is one tough nut to chew.

Close behind is this cracker:

'Why does love hurt?'


I had to ponder these questions over a long bike ride, a little live jazz set, a huge bowl of salad, and a hair-of-the-dog pint. Here's what I came up with.

At the exact moment I write this, the world's population is estimated to be 6,515,814,810. (see http://www.census.gov/ipc/www/popclockworld.html)

That's a whole lot of romancin' going on! In thinking about these questions, you could probably expect about 6,515,814,810 different answers. Ahem. Not only is that answer bone dry and utterly predictable, it doesn't really address the fact that out of 6,515,814,810 people on the earth, a vast majority share the experience of love and all it's attendant experiences.

I won't even bother trying to define what love is. For one thing, I'm currently living in a country that doesn't really have a way to say 'I love you'; in fact, 13% of the world's cultures have no word for 'love' at all... but I do want to touch on why what the querents call 'love' hurts, and why it's tough to get over a romantic relationship when it ends.

For our purposes, let's agree we know what love is, and what it feels like. Whether the range of your experience is a 30 year marriage or 10 years of crying to Morrissey records on the sofa, I think it's safe to assume that most of us have a fair idea about love.

Being in love, or giving love out requires risk. By throwing caution to the wind and diving head-long into that dizzy mix of emotion and reciprocity, you're risking rejection; you're risking instability; you're putting it all on Red 27 and the wheel's spinning. Love is the siren that might dash you on the rocks, it's utterly desirable and frightening all at the same time.

Love requires letting someone else inside, and many times in the course of a relationship, we open and shut our inner doors. Sometimes you catch a mere glimpse, other times you're thrillingly ensconced inside, sometimes you see more than you ever wanted to, or the door is shut in your face. This is exciting, exhausting, it can also be incredibly painful, but it's a neccessity. In loving someone you're entering into a sort of dance. Your ego, your soulful bits, and your intellects are slithering around each other, locked in a dance without knowing all the moves. Loving is like being on a soccer pitch where someone keeps moving the goal-posts...

All this means there's times when you're gonna eat dirt, bust out a move that leaves you on your arse, times when you're not on the same frequency, let alone the same playing field. Of course, there's also going to be moments of utter magic, when you dance as one and whole constellations pass between you, when the world falls away and there is just that feeling that binds you both, molecules fusing...I could go on, but I risk stumbling into Barbara Cartland land, so I'll refrain.

Chemicals play a big part too (I'm not talking the classic 5am marriage proposal after a big night out on the disco biscuits either). When we meet someone and connect in a romantic way, there's a whole lot of whizz bang chemical reactions behind these feelings. The Big Three love chemicals are:

Norepinepherine: Similar to adrenaline, it produces the racing heart and excitement, and contributes to the 'can't eat, can't sleep' feelings many of us experience when we first 'fall.'
Dopamine: Dopamine is the "pleasure chemical," producing a feeling of bliss. Wouldn't we all like a big bottle of that for the odd top-up.
Phenylethylamine: This little ripper provides the sweaty palm and racing heart effect.

There's also the 'tear your clothes off and go at it in the hallway' chemicals, testosterone and estrogen, but I'm sure we're all fully aquainted with these two saucy specimens!

Over time, these chemicals dip and level out and at the same time "stuff" happens. We get into patterns with our partner. We have certain expectations of that person and the relationship. When the realities of life with that person fall short, resentments and issues can develop. This is like the fork in the road. You either decide (however painfully) that the relationship can't be pursued or isn't worth pursuing, or you make the compromises, change your tack, reconnect. This process is cyclical -- it just keeps happening in different ways and thanks to different elements, and really to me it's what makes loving someone so rewarding and magical. The garden is full of annual plants that keep springing up, while the big trees take root, and the perennials provide a sense of comfort and familiarity.

But what about the 'breaking up is hard to do' element? Again, there's probably at least 6 billion answers! However, you say that they 'don't love each other enough to be together' yet they can't make a clean break.

I hate to go all Dr. Phil on you, so I'll refrain from talking about 'clo*ure' (oi -- it's a dirty dirty word since Dr Phil squeezed the life out of it) but reaching the end of the line and figuring out how to jump ship is just one of those things we have to muddle through.

For one, we have cherished routines. Maybe it was those nightly play-fights before bed, the Sunday drive, the unspoken feeling that saw one person make the other a tea, or leave them to sit in the shed for a few hours.

Maybe the rush of chemicals revs back up for that last little gasp (have you ever noticed how attractive someone is after you've finished with them?).

Or...maybe it's not the end of the story? Perhaps it's just an ad-break, or a particularly knotty chapter halfway through the book...

To the querents -- the answers to your questions are right in front of you. You just have to sit with them for a little while.